UNDERWORLD (DVD):
Vampires kill werewolves with guns…bored already. Turns out vampires are the bad guys and werewolves are ‘goodies’. Not sure if all is ok in the under-World now but couldn’t care less. A real chore to watch. Sorry. Yawn. 2/10.
MONSTER (UCI Cardiff):
This is a very difficult movie to review due to the moral, political and possibly fascist dilemmas it raises. Some may say she had a tough upbringing, some may say she had no guidance, some may say she had to survive, some may say it’s the men’s fault, some may say she had no choice…
All I can say is that my idea of entertainment clearly differs from that of the Academy. Whoever thought this grim tale of a low life serial killer would make good entertainment is beyond me. I think Movies and TV should be about escapism, hope, opportunity, and triumph against adversity. Why did they make this? Are we supposed to sympathise with this person? Is she some kind of hero? We only have to watch the News or walk the street to know how these people live. Does her choice to kill people make her more special? We don’t need this sort of stuff filling our cinema screens.
I felt uncomfortable from the opening scene and it never waned for the full 1hr 40mins. I wanted to leave. I‘ve watched numerous horror movies over the years with a grin on my face but this offers nothing more than a continuous downward depressing spiral. Thank God the police got her in the end. She should have been executed sooner.
This is the story of a diseased mind. Her upbringing and lifestyle is no different to millions of others in this World, and whilst this is a sad fact, it does not result in everyone behaving in such a way.
She had choices. The first killing was warranted, I’ll give her that, but considering the abuse suffered as a child and the length of time she’d been doing this ‘job’ her choices from that moment onwards are nothing more than cowardly, gratuitous and repulsive. Her lack of compassion or caring for human life, apart from her selfish obsession with Ricci, made her a psychopath – a monster. She was dangerous and unstable and does not belong on this earth. Millions of kids go through a tough period in their lives but they don’t turn into serial killers. Sorry, her acts are unforgivable. I for one have no sympathy.
Credit goes to the unrecognisable Charlize Theron for pulling off one of the greatest cinematic performances I’ve ever seen. She really deserved that Oscar. However this sort of movie is not for me and I’ve had enough of this sort of stuff. Bring on the love, hope, flowers and little pixies. Life is tough enough without putting the despair of others on our shoulders. 4/10.
THE PASSION OF THE CHRIST (Nantgarw Showcase):
Mel Gibson’s gruesome and bloodthirsty account of the last days of Jesus Christ, condemned for blasphemy (if you didn’t know that already). Not entirely sure what Gibson had in mind here but if it was purely to show how ill treated Jesus was by both Jews and Romans he certainly made his point. The gratuitous and graphic depiction of the beatings and treatment exhibited are over the top, and don’t deserve any praise unlike the more gifted Hitchcock who could portray violence without showing it in such graphic detail. You can’t help but wince and look away as the unrelenting beatings continue throughout the two hours and after a while it loses its impact as that’s all this film seems to be about. Don’t get me wrong the visuals are incredible and shocking and you really feel for the poor man - no man deserves such treatment no matter what his crime. I remember basic things from Sunday school and somewhat hoped this would tell the story of his life with a more modern touch, but sadly I learned nothing from this movie apart from the ordeal he went through. Very disappointing and wouldn’t want to sit through that again. 6/10.
THE MANXMAN (DVD):
A b&w 1920s Hitchcock silent movie featuring a love triangle between Pete, Phil and a young wench. Pete is a poor but annoyingly happy fisherman, Phil is a rich miserable lawyer. Both set eyes upon the daughter of a local bar owner and Pete being too nervous to say anything asks Phil to ask her out for him. Phil, torn by the fact that he fancies her himself agrees. The wench’s old man is not happy about his daughter going out with a stinky skint fisherman and objects, so Pete tells the wench he will sail away, become rich and return to marry her. He does, but during his absence Phil stepped in and won her heart. Pete returns, they get married (as planned by Pete) and everyone is miserable as sin apart from smiley Pete.
You’re probably never going to see this movie so I’ll tell you that it ends up with the wench having Phil’s baby, Phil becomes a Judge, the scandal proves to much, Phil resigns and admits the affair and it all ends with Phil, the wench and their baby leaving in disgrace and local hero Pete continuing his fishing business. Plenty more fish in the sea Pete… Marvellous direction and acting as you get really hooked into the story, even without sound, but the story and the characters are a bit old fashioned and naïve to be believed. Different and enjoyable though. Sort of. 6/10.
SLEEPING WITH THE ENEMY (Blockbuster Video):
Having not seen this Classic for years we spotted it in Blockbuster and had to see it again. Thinking it may disappoint we were pleasantly surprised that the drama stands the test of time. Before you know it you start ruffling the towels and dashing into the kitchen to mix up those tins of beans… Great stuff. 8/10.
KILL BILL: Vol.2 (UCI Cardiff):
How does he do it? Tarantino is a genius. Anyone who can make a potentially gruesome and tasteless tale so stylish, interesting and humorous is a miracle. Uma Thurman is stunning and David Carradine is magnificent - where has he been??? Fantastic script, gripping and great to watch. Go see it! Very interesting. Really great. 8/10.
PEARL HARBOUR (BBC):
Bank Holiday movie. Fantastic special effects, but why spoil it with macho American-will-someone-just-get-me-a-plane-bullshit and an unconvincing love triangle copied straight from The Manxman? Fast forward through the talking bits and admire the flight sequences… 6/10 purely for the special effects.
SECRET WINDOW (UCI Cardiff):
Not known for playing normal roles one has to admire Johnny Depp for sticking to playing something odd rather than opt for Batman, Spiderman, 007 or Mr. Incredible-Super-Hero man. He has the looks and the talent for sure but that really is beneath him. As is this movie. He is much much better than this. He carries the movie totally and if it wasn’t for his amusing facial expressions you could get bored fast. The supporting cast are appalling and useless. To tell you what the movie is about would totally spoil it. All I can say is watch the trailer, so you get the gist, then watch the story unfold yourself. Can’t say it is something ‘highly recommend’ but it is a bit different and ‘ok’. 4/10.
LAWS OF ATTRACTION (UCI Cardiff):
What? How naff can you sound? A love story featuring lawyers. Corny title or what? Arghhhhh!!! Nooooooo!!! But wait. This is quite interesting. Really interesting. I’ve stopped munching my popcorn. What you’d think would be a nightmare is actually very good and enjoyable and made me so happy that I’m married. If you can get over the unlikely concept of Pierce Brosnan being a scruffy unkempt sloth (what???) this is remarkably good fun. Julianne Moore is really excellent, which makes up for her below average looks (oops sorry!!!) and I quite fancied her better looking, sexier Mum!!! First impression of Moore’s Rock Star client is ‘pathetic and implausible’ but he turns out to be the star of the show – in comedy terms anyway. He was great! Yes it is a bit silly but despite the corny title, the unattractive cast and the subject matter it turns out to be a really good feel good movie. Better than some of the thrillers we’ve seen lately. I much prefer leaving the cinema in a good mood with a smile on my face. That’s entertainment. 7/10.
SHREK (DVD):
At last! Seen It! The World famous Shrek! And it is truly superb! Genius. Fantastic graphics, well paced and interesting storyline. Magic. Eddie Murphy is magnificent as the singing, dancing annoying Donkey but Mike Myers talking like Fat B##ard put me off a bit. Great. 9/10.
Coming soon:
SHAUN OF THE DEAD:
I so much want to see this movie, but Lina so much doesn’t. British humour too no doubt. Will have to wait for the DVD and watch it alone. Gutted.
DAWN OF THE DEAD:
I so much don’t want to see this movie. So I wont.
THE GIRL NEXT DOOR:
Lina so much wants to see this movie. And I don’t. But we will.
VAN HELSING:
I want to see. Looks funny and full of nice effects. Lina not fussed.
THE DAY AFTER TOMORROW:
Not fussed but will have to see it just for the special effects.
HIDALGO:
Lina saw this in Ukraine months ago and liked the nice horses, so we may see it.
OUR HOUSE:
This time Ben Stiller and Drew Barrymore team up for yet another rom-com. As much as I like them they are getting a bit samey, so I hope this breaks the mould just as ‘50 First Dates’ did.
THE BUTTERFLY EFFECT:
Big kid toy boy Ashton Kutcher stars in a Back the Future thriller. Kutcher’s presence has put me off already… Lina likes him though. Reviews crap. Undecided on that one.
GOTHIKA:
Aka ‘The Ring’. Yawn. No thanks.
TROY:
Yet another long big screen over-hyped epic. Already seen enough of these drawn out battles in Braveheart; The Patriot; LoR 1,2 and 3; Last Samurai; etc yawn yawn yawn. Seen one, seen them all. CGI is spoiling these to be honest. Becoming too ‘copy & paste’. Will probably see it though.
THE BABYSITTER (Five):
A new entry in the ‘Most Awful Movies Ever list’. Alicia-lopsided-chops Silverstone-Grand-Prix-Circuit is a teenage girl who every man on the planet apparently fantasises about. Ridiculous and proposterous in the extreme she is asked to look after some kids one night only to be spied on by teenagers and grown men gawping at her from every angle through the windows. They all want their evil ways with her and most scenes are acted out – badly. Embarrassing and uncomfortable this movie depicts men as being sex obsessed morons and potential teenage rapists. I didn’t like the idea nor the execution at all. It is dreadful in every respect. 1/10.
FAR FROM HEAVEN (Blockbuster DVD):
Highly recommended story about 1950s family life with a twist. Far from being the artificially happy techni-colour ‘darling I liv yoo’ world this adds a modern dimension and is fascinating for it. It deals with 1950s taboos over homosexuality and racism and how it would affect people in the 1950s. Novel idea (although Down With Love tried it) about family life and how anal retentive society was in those days. Very good. 8/10.
CONSPIRACY THEORY (Five):
Mel Gibson as you’ve never seen him before – as a bundling, mumbling paranoid schizophrenic who is convinced that everything in the World is part of some conspiracy. Yes he’s worse than Fox Mulder and his obsession becomes tedious to the point where you start to believe this is just a parody. That being said it has some value in that ironically it REMOVES some of the paranoia in the World, i.e. if someone truly believes they have information so important that it affects the entire Universe then this movie demonstrates the lengths people would have to go to find you out. The effort and man power required would be ridiculous beyond belief and thus this movie scores in that its an example to all that conspiracy paranoia is all in the mind. There is a bit more to this movie than that but that appears to be its underlying message. Or should be. 6/10.
THELMA & LOUISE (DVD):
Two bored women go fishing. One is about to be raped when he’s gunned down by the other one. They run run run. Or rather drive drive drive. One feels racked with guilt, the other goes from being a naive suppressed housewife into a renegade. They decide they have had enough of their lives, hold hands and drive over a cliff. What was all that about? How do they know each other? What binds them? What trials and tribulations do they live through that leads them to this breaking point? They don’t even get on. Nor have anything in common? Maybe they want to escape each other? What a waste of time. Extremely disappointing and pointless. One for the girls? What lesson’s are in here? I just didn’t get it. Neither did the lady sitting next to me. 3/10.
THE WEDDING SINGER (DVD):
Sorry Guy Moore (of Martyn Prowel) and brother Simon but this was a BIG disappointment. Adam Sandler is simply NOT funny. I tried, oh I tried, to enjoy this and there were some mild giggle moments but in the end I struggled to stuck with it. I don’t get the hype surrounding this movie at all. It’s just another rom com with two naff characters. They made up for it in ‘50 First Dates’ which I thought was great, possibly because Sandler didn’t try to be funny in that. I suppose watching this movie can be compared to most people watching motorcycle racing – you either get it or you don’t. On this occasion I didn’t get it. Distinctly average. Sorry. 4/10.
THE ITALIAN JOB (DVD):
As opposed to “you’re only supposed to blow the bloody doors off” ‘Italian Job’ of the 1960s this ‘would be re-make’ is nothing of the sort and is as different to the original as the Minis themselves. Indeed the only thing remotely similar are cars called ‘Minis’. The weedy Edward Norton, part of the original ‘crack team’ in a gold heist in Venice, feels a bit selfish and decides to hijack the getaway truck and keep the gold for himself. He lives in complete opulence yet total misery trying to peddle gold bars to a second hand hardware salesman from Ukraine. Could happen. Meanwhile the mean looking “I look much more hard and cleverer than you” New Kid On The Block Mark Warm-burger outwits the ‘genius’ Norton and ‘the Nort’ is whisked away by the nice Ukrainian mafia who are Warm-burger’s secret friends. You never actually see what happens to Norton and one can only assume he was used as much needed lubricant for the Ukrainian’s scrap metal trash compactor machine seen earlier. It was ‘ok’ and watchable, but why the iconic title? 5/10.
TROY (UCI Cardiff):
Did I say this was going to be “Yet another long big screen over-hyped epic. Already seen enough of these drawn out battles in Braveheart; The Patriot; LoR 1,2 and 3; Last Samurai; etc yawn yawn yawn. Just copy and paste copy and paste. Seen one, seen them all.”???
Well, guess what.
This is “Yet another long big screen over-hyped epic. Already seen enough of these drawn out battles in Braveheart; The Patriot; LoR 1,2 and 3; Last Samurai; etc yawn yawn yawn. Just copy and paste copy and paste. Seen one, seen them all.”
(I copied and pasted that part).
The acting is as wooden as the Trojan Horse with Orlando Bloom as truly cringe-worthingly bad bad bad as you can possibly get, and Brad Pitt is not much better. Eric Bana saves the movie’s credibility with an impressive, realistic and honest performance (he’s going to be a big star) as does King Armoured-Gibbon or whatever his name his (with Scottish accent and Irish brother???). This movie leaps from side to side and you don’t know what is going on, who the hell you’re rooting for, nor care. Okay I’ll go for….Hector. He dies. Ok, I’ll go for….Peter O’Toole. He dies. Everyone kills who they should kill (cliché or what?) and when two toughies hidden beneath suits of armour fight it out 50,000 scrapping madmen decide to come to a complete standstill and watch. It is so contrived and corny it’s not true and has the worst soundtrack I’ve ever heard. Who thought playing the bongos was appropriate for an encounter between the great Achilles and Hector??? In-credible rubbish. As for Sean Bean’s character and his voice over – oh my God, cringe cringe cringe… David Brent wrote his script. It should have been called “Achilles kills people and sometimes feel bad about it.” Extremely disappointing and for me a real big Turkey. No Oscars here, but maybe a few Razzies. 3/10.
ITALIAN JOB (DVD):
Watched this 1960s British icon just days after watching the modern version and talk about totally different! What a culture shock! Very childish! This DVD version is way too long and the movie takes ages to get going. Despite the very silly, tongue in cheek Cockney humour it gets a bit boring and you just want them to get on with the heist. Thankfully the legendary Mini sequence lives up to its reputation and is well worth the wait – awesome! You gotta love em after that guvna. A 60s classic, but a bit juvenile and not one for the purists! 5/10.
THEY LIVE (Sci-Fi):
Dreadful but great. Full off errors and terrible acting and awful special effects but once it starts I gotta watch it all. Having found a pair of sunglasses a long haired drifter of body building proportions realises all successful people in the World are aliens and the rest of us are brainwashed morons. The movie is a dig at the saturating capitalist advertising culture and is pure genius. I demand a hi-tech re-make but no car chases please. 8/10.
HARRY POTTER & THE PRISONER OF AZKABAN (Nantgarw Showcase):
After all the hype died down it was nice to be able to pick your seat following this ‘must see’ frenzy. It started very well but the astounding special effects are not enough to put this movie into the ‘all time classic’ category. Whilst the wonder, excitement and ingenuity of JK Rowling leaves you open mouthed (in awe), the story itself is extremely weak and superficial. Fortunately the characters were not nearly half as annoying as expected – Hermione, Malfoy and Gary Oldman the usual suspects – with Michael Gambon, and Alan Rickman in particular awesome. Sit back and enjoy the visual feast and don’t worry about the plot. Marvel in Rowling’s genius and enjoy the special effects. Not much else to it though. 7/10.
THERE’S SOMETHING ABOUT MARY (Five):
Classic rom com starring Cameron Diaz, Ben Stiller, Matt Dillon and Lee Evans. Apart from the unnecessary bad language it’s really good fun and a bit of ‘feel good’ factor too! 8/10.
Coming soon:
VAN HELSING:
I want to see. Looks funny and full of nice effects. Lina not fussed.
THE DAY AFTER TOMORROW:
Not fussed but will have to see it just for the special effects.
OUR HOUSE:
This time Ben Stiller and Drew Barrymore team up for yet another rom-com. As much as I like them they are getting a bit samey, so I hope this breaks the mould just as ‘50 First Dates’ did.
SPIDER-MAN 2:
Trailer looks superb. Must see this no matter what.
SHREK 2:
The first one was great, even with Eddie Murphy in it. A must see.
THE TRUTH ABOUT CATS AND DOGS (Five):
Nice little rom com starring one of my heroes Ben Chaplin, Uma Thurman and ‘something’ Garofalo. Garofalo is an ugly radio vet (who is far from ugly) and Thurman is a thick supermodel (who is thin). Photographer Chaplin falls in love with the radio host, but as Garofalo is ashamed to be seen she asks Thurman to take her place. Thankfully instead of becoming a ridiculous farce it remains a realistic cover up and is full of nice light-hearted moments. Yes the ending is corny but I love this movie. 8/10.
SWAN LAKE – THE NORTHUMBERLAND BALLET COMPANY (New Theatre Cardiff):
Ever seen a ballet? I have. And it’ll blow your mind. Once you’ve overcome the dread that you’ll be embarrassed watching men prancing around it becomes an incredibly beautiful and gracious thing to watch and before long you’re really into the story. As in all Classics the story is really great, moving and very emotional. When you leave you can’t help but think there was a load of dialogue in there somewhere! But of course there isn’t. Just Tchaikovsky’s masterpiece scores and some truly superb professional mime acting. Drama and art at its very best. Lina and I cried. It was great. A marvellous evening out. I highly recommend it. 9/10.
MEAN GIRLS (Nantgarw Showcase):
Lindsey Lohan – my God a name I remember for once – stars in this teenage romp about peer pressure in a typical US College. Being a lonely fish out of water she tries to fit in with the apparently popular ‘it’ girls, only to learn that they are cruel and mean to everyone and everyone just lives in fear of them. Having befriended the school gay and lesbian they plan having some fun and enrol Lohan as a spy to impinge and spoil the ‘it’ girls parade. Before you know it Lohan is an ‘it’ girl and is becoming just as unpopular, thus it takes a bit of turning around. It is contrived, predictable and American (yes the self righteous speech is in there) but it is good fun. I think teenage boys will love this more than the girls to be honest! Your secrets are out now girls… 6/10.
COCKTAIL (Five):
Yes it was in my top 50 worst ever movies list so after complaints from my wife and brother I had to see it again to eliminate it from the list. I think I just about forgave it – but only just. Maybe my memory served me incorrect but no, it is not as good as I thought it might be. It tends to leap around all over the place, going nowhere and then it ends. It is disappointing but not as corny, swish and neon as I remember it and I watch Tom Cruise with different eyes now than I did back then. He’s now one of my heroes. All I’ll say is its not one of the worst films I’ve ever seen. 5/10.
THE NOTEBOOK (UCI Cardiff Bay):
Wow. This movie blew me away. From the greatest opening sequence I’ve ever seen on the big screen right through the story and magnificent performances by the incredible Rachel McAdams and Hollywood legend James Garner this is straight into my top ten all time favourites. You simply have to see it. Everyone has to see this movie. If it doesn’t get you you’re not human. It stutters a little at the beginning but once its up and running it is a masterpiece of acting, script and cinematography. Although the concept and the story can hardly be called original the performances are so real, touching and superb it grabs you and makes you so glad to be alive. A beautiful movie. Awards please. 10/10.
SHREK 2 (UCI Cardiff Bay):
You see, that’s the problem. Once you start dishing out 10/10 marks you can’t differentiate between great movies and fantastic movies. This is another ‘10’. A fantastic movie. Total genius from start to finish. Easy to follow plot, stunning visuals, loveable characters and laughs laughs laughs. And yes I absolutely adored the highly acclaimed Puss…in Boots. I dare you not to love him to death, I double dare you!!! He is now my office desktop! (Yes, move over Valentino Rossi!!!) Antonio Banderas’ comic timing is superb and he really is the star of the show. Having said that Eddie Murphy is equally superb as Donkey. Add their charm and comic timing to some truly magical wisecracks and legendary one-liners and you are left gasping in between your short breaths and tears. I absolutely loved it. Total genius. Can’t wait to see it again! Superb! It just has to be 10/10.
LOCK, STOCK & TWO SMOKING BARRELLS (DVD):
Sitting on the shelf for months waiting be seen at last finally got round to it – and it is very good! Very funny! First Guy Ritchie movie I’ve seen and it is great. Beautifully directed with great caricature performances. My only criticism really is that gangster genius Tarantino has already mastered this genre, so you could say Ritchie is the British Tarantino. Snatch next. 8/10.
SNATCH (DVD):
Highly recommended by brother-in-law Ruslan Lomov this is just as hilarious as Lock Stock and very entertaining (although I think Lock Stock was a bit better). Great acting, great direction, and once you get over the cringeworthy bad language (which includes the abhorrant c##t word many times), a great script. Watching these movies is a bit like watching a Billy Connolly concert – you love it but you can’t remember why. 8/10.
DRIVEN (Five):
Stallone spent a year following the Formula One Grands Prix circus all around the World trying to get the big teams, big name drivers and Bernie Ecclestone (billionaire F1 controller) to collaborate in a big budget production about the World’s most prestigious Championship. Thankfully Ecclestone’s famous British cynicism won the day and he obviously had the foresight to see what Americans would do to the Championship, i.e. make into a laughing stock. Having been rejected by the F1 fraternity Stallone transferred his project to the less well known US IndyCar Series – and woe betide him. Shocking computer graphics, an implauseable typical Hollywood story line, terrible acting and crashes that would make the infamous ‘Space Riders’ proud I was embarrassed to watch this tosh. A real shocker. Laughable. I’m all for making an updated version of the legendary ‘Grand Prix’ (1966) but perhaps Ecclestone knew what would happen. Can’t people make racing movies or what? Utter tripe. Should have been called ‘Drivel’. 2/10.
MATCHSTICK MEN (DVD):
Very interesting tale about professional Con Artistes Nick Cage and an annoying bloke who go through life ripping people off. And they are VERY good at it. Cage’s life is as per usual until he stumbles upon a long lost daughter from a broken marriage. Cage suffers with Clinical Cleanliness Syndrome (a Compulsive Cleaning Disorder) and his symptoms are exacerbated at times of stress. Its basically about how his relationship with his daughter changes his perspective on life – a bit – and before you know it he’s a changed man. But there is a twist! Very good and highly recommended. Cage is superb. He just gets better and better. 8/10.
Thursday, 20 August 2009
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